Here in your arms

"you are the one, the one that lies close to me
whispers Hello, i've missed you quite terribly
i fell in love, in love with you suddenly
now there's no place else i could be but here in your arms...."

Here in your arms - hellogoodbye

why?

why do i care so much?

after all this time he still makes my heart skip a beat

he still takes my breath away

should i give it up?

it's never going to happen

it's never going to work out

but i can't

i can't let go

i've tried and it hurts too much

so i hold on....

grasping for some sort of hope...

....that i can never find

wondering if i am stupid for any of this...

and wondering why i fell so hard for this guy

and wondering if i will ever be able to stop....

when did this happen?

All of a sudden, everything in my life changed.

school changed.

church changed.

friends changed.

family changed.

I changed.....

i don't know when it all happened but it's like all of a sudden i was on a different path in life. taking a different road. my friends were going one way and i was going another. some things are the happiest things that have ever happened to me that i have prayed would happen for years. other things i never thought would happen and then all of a sudden they are at my doorstep knocking and waiting for me to respond.

I have a job.

^---- does that mean i'm an adult now?

sometimes this is all too much but it was bound to happen.

I am ready.

LETS GO!!!!

it's been a while.

I'm a horrible blogger.

i admit it.

i had plenty of things to blog about but guess what?

i don't think of it.

anyways...it's been an emotional couple of weeks. and a crazy couple of weeks.

i can't say all of on here...not by far. but what i can say i will.

i am now a junior...officially. crazy stuff.

i have a job and am steadily earning enough money to get to portland with flying colors.

and i am a fallen human who can't stand up on her own for the life of her.

OH and i'm just starting to realize how powerful a parents role in their kids' life is. make it or break it time really.

i don't know what tomarrow (or later today really) will bring. and i don't know that i am ready for it....but too bad. cause i have to go for it anyways. no reversing time. so let's just push foward.

change.

things are changing.

i'm making new friends.

i'm deciding what i really believe.

what i really want.

and going for that.

forgetting what people think.

and just doing what i think is right.

crazy.

i am pretty sure i am going crazy.

give it a few days...

i'll either go insane..

or gain my sanity.

one or the other.

let's see what happens, folks!

BIG decisions...

I have to make a huge decision.

Soon.

I have no idea how i am going to do it....

Not by myself that's for sure...

And maybe i won't make it at all.

Not sure...

But that's how life is at this point.

who do i want to be?

good question.

who do I want to be?

No, not who do they want me to be.

who do I want to be?

I've made so many decisions about my life based on what i thought other people (especially leaders) wanted or expected me to do. I've gained this reputation....but is it really me?

For example. Have i ever really not wanted to kiss a man before my wedding day, or was everyone else doing it?

Did i say that because i truly wanted to encourage that person, or because i was looking for a pat on the back or approval?

Do i really want to go to Bible school, or do i want to take pictures for the rest of my life?

Do i want to take pictures because my dad will "love" me for it, or because i love it?

Do i want to go to Bible school because it will please Pastor Greg and my parents, or because i truly love ministry?

Food for thought. Why am i doing what i'm doing? What are my true desires? What do i really love? What do i really want? What really makes me happy?

Am i doing everything right on the outside and letting a sinful heart grow on the inside?

Time to rethink everything. Put my priorities in order.

And thank God for me meeting with my mentor tomarrow. :]

am i ready?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." -1 Corinthians 13:4-8a.

I've been meditating on this verse a lot. and asking myself some questions. One of them being...

Do i love my friends this way?

I'd love to say "Why, of course i do! all the time!" but the honest answer would be...

most of the time i feel like i miss the mark. Am i truly loving this way? and if i'm not....what am i doing? and how i've been relating this to my life lately...

If i can't even love my friends, that i see not so frequently, what makes me think that i would be able to love a man this way? I can't. I just don't have the maturity at the moment to love someone (we are still speaking about men) unconditionally, all the time. If i can't even do it with my friends what makes me think that i would be able to do it with someone that i would see much more frequently. And, to be fair, even if i tried just throw my emotions and hormones into the mix and i would TOTALLY miss the mark.

All to say, that i need to learn to love people better. Because Jesus commanded me to, and in preparation for the person i will marry one day.

♥

maybe...

first off, i DO NOT want to sound like every infatuated teenage girl in the country...

i never wanted to be that girl that liked a different guy every week...

or thought she was in love with every single one of them...

but i've been learning..

that wisdom is a great and awsome thing...

but that doesn't mean that i don't like him.

and it also doesn't mean that something could come of all of this.

i refuse to be anti-relashonship...

i do like him....and that's ok...

he might just like me too...and that's just fine...

will i date him..that's another maybe. :]

falling.

Everytime i get up again

and vow to do what's best for me

i fall....

but this time...

like everytime...

i don't know if he's willing to catch me...

IF

ahh relashonships...

If this happens...

If that happens....

If she decides...

If they decide...

adolescence = not thinking about the consequences of our decisions and actions...

choose to live differently...

at the risk of what?

Rain.

Today, i was with my friends Becky and Katlynn at our church.

First, Katlynn taught me and Becky how to do this cool tap dance type thing and some ballet.

Then, we splattered paint onto a canvas with Jon.

And got lots of paint on ourselves.

After that, it started pouring rain outside so we went outside and rain in the rain.

We jumped in huge puddles that went up over our ankles.

And kicked the water so that we splashed eachother.

We were soaked and happy.

Best.Day.Ever.

a long month.

I'm pretty sure i haven't blogged in a month. =/ sorry bout that..

some new things have been happening...good and bad..

he's gone..
yet still in my heart...
deep sin...
wanting to get uprooted..
i preached...
and there is no way that it isn't going to happen again...
going to dinner with ryan yamin tomarrow...
o.O....
a new coach...
and maybe someone will ask me to be there's...?
probably not...but that's been my life...
struggle...victory...and struggle again...ohh the seasons of life...:]

I PREACHED!

soo i preached at my youth group!! i was planning it for like a month and knew it was gonna happen for 3 so this has been a long time in the making but please go listen! hope ya'll like it!

http://tinyurl.com/2whu5mm

LOVE YA!
~Jess~

just stuff.

it's been a long day.

and it's not even over yet!

I have allergies. Thus, i have a sore thoat.

My friends are going through hard times.

Broken promises are the new normal.

it is 98 degrees outside and very humid with no clouds.

i will be doing school until august 17.

My youth pastor's dad had a heartattack and thus there will not be gen church tomarrow. great.

BUT. i am going swimming tomarrow. :)

love.

I'm not totally sure about him...

All i know is that i accept him.

For the parts i love about him...and the parts that bug the crap out of me.

All of him. even if i get mad at him...something stonger overpowers that...and the anger washes away...

He has changed me permanently.

Whether i end up with him or not...

I'll never forget him.

and maybe...just maybe....i love him. :)

can i do it?

I'm not sure if i can.

But i'll never know if i don't try.

I'm not about to back down now. 

Fear does not control me. 

I will move foward. 

I will suceed.

Because i already have the victory. 

Fitting In.

"If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but i have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you." -John 15:19

Why is this so hard for me to grasp?

I am of God and lives as God wants me to (to the best of my ability) yet i expect to fit in with my friends...?

I am officially stupid. 

I need to stop being so frustrated when my friends don't like me because i choose not gossip, date, or do other wordly things that i know i am not called to do. 

News Flash: they won't like me. At least not all the time. I need to stop thinking that God won't open other doors for me (cause we all know that He knows that we need relahsonships). He will. He will provide for all of my needs and won't miss a thing because He is perfect and does NOT forget His children. 

Stand.

I'm in a battle. And though we are always in a spiritual battle i'm in the climax of it.

Will i win? or fall back?

I've been falling back and wondering why.

Maybe because i'm trying to charge into battle without a sword or amour.

How stupid! I'm done lying on my back, believing the devil's lies and just waiting to be killed.

I will stand. I will fight. I will win.

I will have the victory because i have the ultimate Overcomer living inside of me.