change.

things are changing.

i'm making new friends.

i'm deciding what i really believe.

what i really want.

and going for that.

forgetting what people think.

and just doing what i think is right.

crazy.

i am pretty sure i am going crazy.

give it a few days...

i'll either go insane..

or gain my sanity.

one or the other.

let's see what happens, folks!

BIG decisions...

I have to make a huge decision.

Soon.

I have no idea how i am going to do it....

Not by myself that's for sure...

And maybe i won't make it at all.

Not sure...

But that's how life is at this point.

who do i want to be?

good question.

who do I want to be?

No, not who do they want me to be.

who do I want to be?

I've made so many decisions about my life based on what i thought other people (especially leaders) wanted or expected me to do. I've gained this reputation....but is it really me?

For example. Have i ever really not wanted to kiss a man before my wedding day, or was everyone else doing it?

Did i say that because i truly wanted to encourage that person, or because i was looking for a pat on the back or approval?

Do i really want to go to Bible school, or do i want to take pictures for the rest of my life?

Do i want to take pictures because my dad will "love" me for it, or because i love it?

Do i want to go to Bible school because it will please Pastor Greg and my parents, or because i truly love ministry?

Food for thought. Why am i doing what i'm doing? What are my true desires? What do i really love? What do i really want? What really makes me happy?

Am i doing everything right on the outside and letting a sinful heart grow on the inside?

Time to rethink everything. Put my priorities in order.

And thank God for me meeting with my mentor tomarrow. :]

am i ready?

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." -1 Corinthians 13:4-8a.

I've been meditating on this verse a lot. and asking myself some questions. One of them being...

Do i love my friends this way?

I'd love to say "Why, of course i do! all the time!" but the honest answer would be...

most of the time i feel like i miss the mark. Am i truly loving this way? and if i'm not....what am i doing? and how i've been relating this to my life lately...

If i can't even love my friends, that i see not so frequently, what makes me think that i would be able to love a man this way? I can't. I just don't have the maturity at the moment to love someone (we are still speaking about men) unconditionally, all the time. If i can't even do it with my friends what makes me think that i would be able to do it with someone that i would see much more frequently. And, to be fair, even if i tried just throw my emotions and hormones into the mix and i would TOTALLY miss the mark.

All to say, that i need to learn to love people better. Because Jesus commanded me to, and in preparation for the person i will marry one day.

♥

maybe...

first off, i DO NOT want to sound like every infatuated teenage girl in the country...

i never wanted to be that girl that liked a different guy every week...

or thought she was in love with every single one of them...

but i've been learning..

that wisdom is a great and awsome thing...

but that doesn't mean that i don't like him.

and it also doesn't mean that something could come of all of this.

i refuse to be anti-relashonship...

i do like him....and that's ok...

he might just like me too...and that's just fine...

will i date him..that's another maybe. :]

falling.

Everytime i get up again

and vow to do what's best for me

i fall....

but this time...

like everytime...

i don't know if he's willing to catch me...